Take me back to the start
by HawthornBlood141
Summary: Sometimes things hurt more when they're still healing.


_A/N : a companion piece of MsBinns "Reunited" set in her "Australia" verse & a follow up of my own "Soon we'll be found again", Hermione's POV._

 _I highly recommend reading "Australia" by MsBinns and other works our "Seventh year" collection, though I supposed these could be read as a stand alone (but what's the fun in that? ;-))_

* * *

 **September**

She's torn.

She wants to go so badly, yet she wants to stay there forever. In Ron's arms.

The platform is buzzing. Everyone's saying goodbye, children hop excitedly on the train, parents sniffle back tears. She doesn't know where she stands.

She's going back to Hogwarts. Her final year. She can almost feel the magic hum inside her. One last year, without fear and dark wizards to fight, where all she'll have to focus on is her classes and her classes only. She'll spend time in the library, not to look up how to escape a deadly situation, but simply to study. She's been doing both all this time, now she'll only have one to do and it's a relief. She can feel the butterflies she once had when she first boarded the Hogwarts Express. Learning feels limitless.

Going back scares her more than she thought it would.

She is terrified to walk around the hallways where Fred, Tonk, Lupin and so many others died. What will it be like to stare outside the window and not see the destruction surrounding everything last May. The last time she was in the Great Hall they were still counting the dead, and now she's supposed to walk in there tonight and have a feast.

She's going back alone, and the fear she had when she boarded the train that very first time is creeping back up at the back of her mind. _Will she have friends?_ She knows it's ridiculous, and she is aware that _everyone_ knows her and she won't be truly alone. Familiar and friendly faces are going back with her.

Just not the one she wants.

…

She remembers when she first entered Hogwarts. The boat ride and the castle, immense and magnificent in the early dark. The imposing closed doors of the Great Hall as McGonagall talked to them. She was scared. And excited. She recalls being afraid that she wouldn't make any friends. That she wouldn't fit in. Yet she also had that deep understanding within her that she belonged there.

Now seven years later, she finds herself in front of those same doors again. And she feels scared. And excited. Again. She built so many memories there. Good and bad.

She's nervous. She _needs_ to complete her last year, yet she's scared her nightmares will be too rough to fight here. But she cannot _not_ do this. It means too much to her.

She's battling her thoughts when Ginny grabs her hand. She looks at the young redhead next to her and she can't tell if Ginny took her hand for her sake or Hermione's. She decides she doesn't care. She catches Luna glance over Ginny's shoulder and she's happy to have familiar faces. Friends. Even though she wished there had been two other faces, her boys. She misses them very much.

It's barely been a few hours.

"We can do this right?" she asks unsure, nervous. She hopes it doesn't show too much.

"Absolutely. Head girl, lead the way!" Ginny replies, always confident, as she pushes Hermione toward the opening doors of the Great Hall.

That night, when everyone is in bed and she fears the nightmares will come, Hermione pours out a letter to Ron, with too many names and details. Anything to prevent her mind from twirling back to deathly curses and fallen bodies. When she finally puts her quill down, it's three pages long. She'll owl it in the morning. First thing.

…

It takes her a long time to adjust back to everything. To normal life. Hogwarts screams familiarity yet it all feels out of place. Maybe it's her that is out of place. She's constantly walking a familiar yet foreign line and she wonders when it'll stop.

 _Will it ever stop?_

She feels a ache deep in her chest when she watches the first years, mostly directly untouched by the war. Though many lost a family member or friend, or know someone that has been tortured or still missing, most of them didn't actually fought and it shows. She misses the wonder magic and Hogwarts did to her. This tangible certainty, naivety, that brought joy and sense of belonging in her life.

The castle is still damaged from the battle and there's many hallways she avoids still. Many seven years and some younger students do too.

She goes to class through detours, there's some places she doesn't want to see yet. She hasn't gone to the library yet.

It takes her a week to stand in front of it for the first time. Her younger self would be outraged.

It takes her two more days to enter it.

…

It turns out that not everyone enthusiastically welcomes her as Head Girl.

She's surprised by the number of seventh year students that talk condescendingly to her because of it.

Ginny shielded her from most of the backlash it stirred the first few weeks, until Hermione finds a note in one of her books.

 _You shouldn't be here._

Ginny finds her, hands shaking in anger and fighting back tears. They fought hard against narrow mindedness and prejudice, yet it seems that not everything has changed as much as she thought. Ginny reminds her that she deserves to be here as much as anyone in the castle and that the haters can go to hell. Hermione raises her chin high, holds tightly the sister she never had and thanks her.

They'll just have to keep fighting.


End file.
